I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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