i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
