At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
