maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How external is "for external use only"?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
