I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
