3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm too high and old for this...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
