How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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