By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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