When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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