I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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