And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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