How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize