i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
