I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
