It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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