I think my fart just growled at me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
