I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
