I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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