I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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