I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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