Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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