I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
