I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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