All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
