I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
