I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize