Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
