i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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