i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
