it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
