My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
