Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
