my text book just quoted the cookie monster
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
