Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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