My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
