I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
