I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
