You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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