Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
