Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
