my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
