You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
