...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
