four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
