Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
