When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize