The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
