Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
