well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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