You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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