I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Couch. On fire.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
