what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
