Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize