There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
