she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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