Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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