my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
