she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
