Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
