I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize