you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
