Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
