I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
