after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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