his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
