Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
