So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize