we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
