You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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