I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
