My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
