I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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