So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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